Broken Heart - How to Deal
I realize this may come out sounding pathetic or insignificant, but I really just need an outside perspective.......
Before coming to college, I'd only ever been romantically interested in one guy, and that was only after he came on to me (turns out he had alterior motives, but that's a whole other story entirely.....) Needless to say, I don't have much experience in love.
After getting over the crush I had on a fellow freshman at the beginning of my first semester, I started getting a lot closer with another guy. We ended up becoming best friends. He had a girlfriend at the time, so I never really thought of him as a potentially boyfriend. But then they broke up, and all these feelings (that I think I had been repressing out of guilt for liking a "taken" guy) came rushing to the surface. Needless to say, I fell really hard.
After his break-up, this guy and I started talking even more, and he shared a lot more private stuff with me. He also started hugging me, and one night when we were watching something together, I fell asleep on his arm - and he let me stay there for half an hour.
I guess I just got the feeling that he really might have been interested in me, too. This morning I was back home, and he messaged me saying that he wished I could have been here (on campus) the day before to meet his best friend (a girl). And I guess part of me kinda took that to mean that he really missed seeing me.
Well, it turns out he and this girl (who he's known for 4 years) decided to try and take their relationship to the next level and try and start dating. They kissed too the other night, before she left.
When he told me this, it just felt like I'd been punched in the gut. I really fell for this guy, and we always got along so great together. Everyone said that they totally thought we'd end up going out (they even said this before the break-up).
So I guess what I'm asking is: how do I get over my feelings for him, while still preserving our friendship? And what happens if they don't work out? Part of me doesn't think they will because: 1)people that met her say they can't see how that'll work out, 2)they're both freshly broken-up with their exes (him 1 1/2 weeks, her 3 weeks), and 3)I know from him that in the past she's been so desperate to keep a guy that she's willing to do anything (she almost had sex with her ex, even though she said she didn't believe in pre-marital sex). I just don't see it as being healthy. But then again, I'm the girl that wants him, so I'm a little biased.
Sorry for rambling on and on. This is the first time I've really opened completely up about it. I'd appreciate any advice anyone may have!
Tags: relationships
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Jonathan Posner on -
Ok well first, I suggest the best thing to do is figure out his opinion of that girl. You said she tried to take it to the next level and try and start dating, to me this means they are NOT dating (please correct me if I am wrong). If others say it wont work, it probably wont, but PLEASE DO NOT TRY TO MAKE IT FAIL! Unfortunately you are kinda stuck in "friend-zone" limbo, for now :-\. It is indeed possible to break through (with a swift, proper, militant strike). Figure out first how he feels about her, but bring it up in such a manner that he just thinks you are a caring friend, this will be hard but I have faith. Once you figure this out, update us, as it will be easier to help.
In the meantime, i would recommend possibly hinting you want more than just friends, but do not make it obvious, you want him to like you back the way you want him to on his own :-).
Best of luck (hope this helps)
-Jonathan
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Permalink Reply by Riley Loretta on -
Thanks for the advice, what you're saying really makes a lot of sense!
He says they're not dating "yet", but he kissed her, so I don't know what the deal is there. He seems to like her, but it seems like all of this came up suddenly and out of the blue, so a part of me wonders if he's maybe in "rebound mode" and just wanting to find another girl after his breakup.
I want him to be happy, so I'm just going to try and be as supportive as possible. I resolved this morning that I'm just going to be me, and if he sees me for the what I am, and wants to be with me, then he can. If he doesn't appreciate me, then he's not worth having.
The difficulty at this point is going to be maintaining the same level of friendship as before.... but I care enough about our friendship to try and make it work. Any tips on this specifically?
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Permalink Reply by Jonathan Posner on
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you do not have to maintain the same level though, may want to be a little bit more involved with everything, just not too overbearing.
On the guy side, he probably was down and was looking for anything he could get, she was showing him affection and such and he took it. I would not freak out a lot about it, being a man, I can attest to most of us being assholes LOL. Best thing i can suggest right now is to just wait it out, though it may not turn out the way you want, just remember that everything happens for a reason :D
-Jonathan
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Permalink Reply by Grant Posner on -
No need to worry about ranting, have you seen some of my posts before??? :) rants are welcomed and preferred, they tend to be the most honest. Anyways onto the stuff you care about:
How do you get over your feelings? Well only time can tell honestly. Everyone deals with them differently. A friend of mine just moves on, I am more of the person to just get all upset (unfortunately) and I feel like we may have that in common. Heart-breaks, large or small suck, they just plainly suck! and while this may not be the worst one you experience, it seems to be the first. Best advice here, just tell yourself it is over and that you need to get things back to the way they were. For him, they may not be too different, just realize he may be (is?) interested in someone else.
What happens if they do not work out? As a friend it is your duty to be there for him no matter what, through thick and thin blah blah blah, make it known you care basically. If he likes you then you will get your chance, and if he doesn't like you like that then at least you will be friends with him. Something here is better than nothing. But know he may want you to make the first move.. Instincts have gotten us this far, if you think he may like you try, its better knowing an answer, yes or no, than to always wonder. It took me months to finally tell the girl that I am after that I like her.. fast forward to almost a year later, I am still trying to date her, waiting until she is ready.. Is this the best plan.. hell no, but good things come to those who wait, and/or have the patience. (no commenting on that Jon!)
Good luck with future endeavors and remember we are all here to help you, feel free to update when you can, screw formalities and everything like that you know? The more you help us, the more we can help you. Just be yourself, if it works out then it works out, if not, oh well, I promise you, your life will go on! Stay positive!
Take care,
-Grant
(the older twin :D)
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Permalink Reply by Kevin Okerhjelm on
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I would say to find out how he feels about you before you get sad, and all that, but that's already been said. So, here is something different. If he feels the same about you, then great! I'll be rooting for you. But if things don't go the way you want, I feel like something should be understood. This may sound harsh, but know that I do NOT mean it that way.
I have liked a LOT of females who have not liked me back. What took me a long time to realize, and what you need to understand is this: if someone you like only likes you "as a friend", that is not likely to change. HOWEVER, and this is the part most people won't tell you, (and granted, this is just my opinion), friends are better than boyfriends/girlfriends. Romantic relationships come and go, and many end badly, with little hope of things going back to the way they were (being "just friends"). On the other hand, a true friend (of either sex) will ALWAYS be there for you, no matter what. A friend is supportive, understanding, will give you advice and always try to make it good, and will NEVER have an ulterior motive for resolving a conflict. So don't be crushed if it does turn out he only has friendship in mind for you. Make lemonade out of lemons. (Or a lemon powered death ray. Muhuwahahahahahahaa!)
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Permalink Reply by Riley Loretta on
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Thanks! I've done a lot of soul-searching these past couple days, and realized that there are "plenty of other fish in the sea." I've noticed more of the things that we don't have in common, things that are important to me that maybe aren't as important for him, etc. It's made me realize that he's the best friend I have here, and I would hate to lose that. So, I'm just going to value our friendship, and see what other fine young men are dying to get to know me! (Okay, I doubt they're "dying", but still, why not see what else is out there?)
Thanks for all the advice, everyone! You've been more help than you could know!
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Permalink Reply by Riley Loretta on
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Hey guys..... just thought I'd give you an update, and maybe hear a little bit more of your opinions.
I thought everything was going to be okay, and that I was going to be able to move on, but I've heard a few things recently that have left me kinda confused.
1- A mutual friend of ours was talking to him the other night, and asked him if he would ever date anybody on campus. She said that without even thinking about it, he immediately brought up my name. But then apparently he said something along the lines of "yeah, but I'd just be worried about losing her as a friend". According to my friend, she got the distinct impression that he may really kinda like me, but may be struggling with it because he sees this other girl as the safer bet.
2- He and this other girl have been having some issues lately. He told me that she said she's not over her ex, and that she's not sure when she'll be over him, or how she'll feel once that happens. He said he's going to wait it out and see what happens, but that he's not sure how long he'll wait.
3- He's been acting more flirty again with me lately. I kinda had to step back from our friendship a little bit, just until I got my emotions back under control, but things went back to normal pretty fast. But it seems like he's been a lot more affectionate with me lately, more like what he was like when he broke up with his previous girlfriend, but before he had his friend over for the weekend and they talked about possibly having a relationship.
4- I thought I was over him, but these feelings keep coming back up.
So, that's pretty much it in a (not so small) nutshell. I guess I'd just really like to hear the male opinion on all of this. Let's face it, guys are pretty much an enigma to me! (As I'm sure girls are to most guys)
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Permalink Reply by Grant Posner on
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seems like this guy is into you from my POV.. May be worth a shot, but from your last point I am confused as if YOU want to be in a relationship with him or not?
-Grant
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Permalink Reply by Riley Loretta on
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I really do want to be in a relationship with him. But, if he doesn't feel the same way, I've been trying to keep my emotions under control so I don't ruin our friendship. I really do want to see him happy, I just keep hoping that I'm the one he'll be happy with.
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Permalink Reply by Grant Posner on
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so try.. Ask him out or something. You will never know until you ask. And yes, I know it is much harder than everyone makes it out to be.. sometimes you just have to grow a pair (metaphorically speaking) and take care of business. While that may seem harsh, it is the honest truth and I am hoping that it really hits home because that is what a friend told me when I was (still am) going through the same hing you are, so I figured I would pass the saying onto you..
-Grant
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Permalink Reply by Riley Loretta on
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I actually talked with him last night. I realized that we were better off just being friends. I'm really relieved to have this whole thing off my chest. I thought I'd be sad that it didn't work out, but I feel like a huge weight has been lifted.
Thanks for all your help! :)
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Permalink Reply by Grant Posner on
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yea sometimes a no can still be alright and like I said, knowing is better than not..
-Grant
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