Friend with benefits wants to lose benefits, but keep friendship

Dear Harlan:

I've recently become friends with benefits with a very good friend. Lately, it doesn't seem to be working for us. I'd like to go back to being just friends. Do you think that a friend with benefits can go back to being a best friend without benefits? Can we get back to normal?

Friend With Benefits

Dear Friend With Benefits:

There's no going back. You can't undo the sex once it's been done. A friend who has sex with another friend will look at that friend and at times think, "We've had sex." The thought can occur during an average day for no good reason. It can hit while standing in a friend's wedding. It can surface at dinner, while dining with each other's new significant others. If you're not the one thinking it, then he or she will for sure be thinking it. This isn't to say that you can't still be friends, but you will never be the same kind of friends. Sex means having a history. Once you've been there, you will always have that in common. And that means the past can make it harder to have this person in your life in the future.

Assuming you find a new best friend and get married, it will be hard to convince your spouse that your good friend whom you had sex with is just a friend. Keeping the friendship can mean having to keep your past a secret. And that might be uncomfortable. Sex with a friend changes the present and the future. Things are different.

All that said, you can have the benefit of a friendship, but it will be a different kind of friendship than the pre-sex friendship. With that, I invite anyone out there who has intimate experience with this subject to share your advice. Send feedback to Harlan@helpmeharlan.com, with the subject "Friends With Benefits."