Porn-streaming smartphone poses serious problems

Dear Harlan:

I'm wondering if I should confront my boyfriend about finding porn on his smartphone. I have been checking his Google search history and it appears daily. Even the days we have sex. He will watch it in the same room while I am taking a nap. He watches it while I am in the shower rather than coming in and looking at me. He doesn't have a clue that I know. I am not sure how to approach him.

Disturbed Girlfriend

Dear Disturbed Girlfriend:

And to think, he talks to his mother on that smartphone.

That's a lot of porn — while you're napping, in the same room with you, when you shower — it's too much porn. I hope you know that this has nothing to do with you or his level of attraction to you. A guy who's looking at this much porn has a habit or addiction that formed long before a girlfriend was around. He didn't choose porn over you because porn isn't about intimacy. It's a disconnected thing that's likely an outlet to deal with anxiety. He uses porn like other people use alcohol or drugs. It's an escape. He might think it's harmless, but he doesn't know any better. This doesn't make it respectful or acceptable if you think it's disrespectful or unacceptable. But appreciate that he's not doing it to hurt you. This mind-set will avoid putting him on the defensive and help you to change your perspective. When you approach him, go into the conversation with curiosity instead of animosity. This may help him open up. Then you can figure out if he has a habit or a bigger problem. Once you understand how and why he uses porn, you can decide how you feel about it. If it bothers you and he can't stop — he might need professional help or a new girlfriend. For more information on sex addiction, check out Patrick Carnes' books and visit Sex Addicts Anonymous online at www.sexaa.org